Bill Ryan's Other Blog

As my loyal readers know, I am widely regarded as the World’s  foremost expert in Counter Proliferation (hence, my blog’s subtitle).  I’m not just someone that’s attended Counter Proliferation training (“where it was stressed to us, how we needed to carry at the minimum Top Secret clearance or higher”), I live and breath Counter Proliferation.  In fact, the new e-commerce site I’m about to launch, Privicy is all about Countering Proliferation, proliferation of insecure email communication, a true scourge affecting society.

So you may be asking, “what is Counter Proliferation?”  Well, it’s directly and indirectly, including but not limited to, Countering the Proliferation of stuff.  “What sort of stuff?” you ask.  Well, directly or indirectly, including but not limited to, any stuff provided it’s the type of stuff that Proliferates. (George Carlin goes into depth about the nature of Stuff and how we relate to it) As long as it Proliferates, I’m skilled in countering it.  Now some of you (like those pretending to have college credentials you didn’t really receive) may be wondering what Proliferation is. Dictionary.com defines is accordingly:

1.the growth or production of cells by multiplication of parts.

2.a rapid and often excessive spread or increase: nuclear proliferation.

Our humble home is a great example of a Mecca of proliferation.  Under my wife’s auspices, shoes, purses and clothes all proliferate.  My wife notes that under my watch, gadgets seem to proliferate.  But those are minor in comparison to what proliferate via the dogs (or Minor Canines for the pedantic readers in the audience).  Under their auspices, there is a mass proliferation of disemboweled dog togs and dog treats. And there’s an even more pronounced Proliferation of Doody, (logs, Mr Hankey’s or Poopie Nice Nices).

So the biggest direct or indirect Proliferation threat facing citizens of Duncan, SC  is that which includes but is not limited to, Poopie Nice Nice or Mr Hankeys. 

As an aficionado of Counter Proliferation it’s my job to ensure that Mr Hankey’s don’t proliferate too quickly. And if they do, it must happen outside of on the Puppy Paper.  My lovely wife and I launch a never ended Counter Proliferation initiative aimed at directly and indirectly combating things of this sort including but not limited to the aforementioned items.

I didn’t let the girl dogs out when I went running this morning. They in turn decided to show me some love in the form of Proliferation.  When I came home, there were several logs that had proliferated on the carpet.  This is hugely problematic for many reasons most of which should be obvious to you.  But mostly, how can I , as the world’s foremost expert in Counter Proliferation and Counter Proliferation Training have proliferation occurring rampantly, right in my living room, while I’m out jogging in the morning?

So I’ll introduce the first tool that any Counter Proliferation Expert will employ – Bungholian Analysis (get it?).  If you search for the term, you won’t find any mention of it – that’s how close we in the field keep it.  Basically, it’s a simple but powerful technique. First, you determine which dogs had access to the living room.  Mitzi, Check.  Hagan, Check. Nikki – nope, he’s still in bed with mommy. Ok, that narrows the scope.  Now, you have to pick up each log and give it a sniff.  Nothing too deep but you need to make sure it’s Poopie Nice Nice as opposed to something that looks like Poopie Nice Nice.  Ok, after taking a good whiff, I determine it’s definitely Poopie Nice Nice. That’s step 1 of Bungholian Analysis .  The next step it to measure it to the nearest millimeter. You need to be precise here.  Now, measure the diameter of it.  March 14 annually is Pi day so it should be fresh in your mind. While the log may not be a Perfect Circle, it’s close enough to analyze. Using the diameter, you compute it to the Circumference.  Next, you write down those measurements. It’s critical to write  them down – you can never have too many lists. Counter Proliferation trained experts such as myself make lists for everything – and I mean everything.  You can never make too many lists or have too many items. Never. Now, you need to entice the two Minor Canines to come over to measure their Bungholes. (And as every Counter Proliferation expert knows, if you have a Bunghole, you need TP.  TP for my bunghole is an absolute must!). Now, you simply measure the diameter and circumference of each Minor Canine’s bunghole, apply an Elasticity factor and you’ll have your culprit.

At this point, you’ll have identified the source of the Proliferation.  Now you just need to counter it.  It’s critical that you both identify the crime correctly and the culprit, if not, well, you’ll make a complete jackass out of discredit yourself which sadly, has been known to happen in certain Counter Proliferation circles but never in mine being the expert that I am.  Once this is done, you just need to counter it. 

One way would be to make sure you take the girl dogs for a walk before jogging.  Another would be to make sure there’s plenty of Minor Canine Paper (just like Beavis and Butthead needed lots of Chik-n-bits before “Butthead was choking on chicken, huh huh, Butthead is choking his chicken”).  The other would be to keep the dogs in the Bedroom with mommy, but encourage them to hop in the bed with her for good measure.  The last one has two downsides. First, it risks polluting one’s own bed, literally, sh*tting in your own back yard but worse, sh*tting in your bed.  The other is a broom swinging wife. Either are less than desirable.  Either way, once you’ve identified the source of the proliferation, the world is yours in terms of countering it.

That concludes today’s lesson on Counter Proliferation. Stay tuned for tomorrow, for your next daily lesson.  At this point, you too can claim you’re Counter Proliferation Trained and at the end of the 35 hour course (we’ll call it Counter Proliferation Professional (CPP)  for Smarties), you’ll be ready to pass your certification and you too can claim you enjoy the rewards of Counter Proliferation Training, and the people you encounter in his career.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me at InTheNameOfCounterProliferationExpert@williamgryan.com or , you can contact me in the Name Of Nuclear Non-Proliferation at NameOfNuclearNonProliferation@williamgryan.com

Addendum:  Counter Proliferation is a very serious area of study and should not be taken lightly. Once you’ve been trained in it, you can make all sorts of claims and demands, not to mention track down every dog that craps in your house.  Bungholian Analysis is one of the most important Counter Proliferation techniques and can even be used in Non-Proliferation as opposed to merely Counter Proliferation.  Nuclear Non-Proliferation has risen to be a top Priority of the Obama Administration and that’s largely b/c attempts at Counter Proliferation have failed so miserably. If only Hillary and Armitage would have asked me for help earlier on, we could have avoided this whole mess.

[tags]Counter Proliferation, Bungholian Analysis, CPP, Counter Proliferation Professional, Non-Proliferation, President Obama Non-Proliferation, Nuclear Non-Proliferation[/tags]

As always, if you take anything I write seriously, you have issues. This whole site and it’s posts are a joke, as in hahhaahhahhaha.  That means it’s not to be taken seriously.  That means it’s not to be taken seriously. This is a parody and not meant to resemble anyone or anything in real life. Any resemblance to something real or serious or someone real is purely coincidental. Also, remember, I own this site and no matter how much you think you’re entitled to be here because “It’s a Public Site”, you’re not. It’s my property, my bandwidth, my material, my content etc (at least in the legal sense that I own what’s here – I’m not the only writer so technically, I share ownership with some of the other writers, but you get the point) You are bound by my Terms of Use. Be careful not to violate them, directly or indirectly, including but not limited to my other rules.  If you violate the Terms of use by accident and wind up in trouble, don’t say you weren’t warned!  I even wrote it using the “See, I’m really smart after all, honest, really, I am, and I know what I’m talking about, honest, no, really, I’m being serious” method. So without further ado….