Bill Ryan's Other Blog

This post should not be taken seriously. If you do, please get some professional help as soon as possible.

Kim and I made a quick trip to the Greer WalMart yesterday.   It’s not WalMart per se but the people that frequent it.  Case in point – we pull up and it was fairly busy.  There were at least 20 loose shopping carts in our parking aisle alone.  (And it’s not b/c the WalMart employees don’t try to collect the carts).  There’s just a lot of low class people who are too self-important to return carts.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see such low class people there that they’ would make fun of people that returned their carts.  I’m sure a kid returning their carts might even get called “Cart Girl” by some of the trashier folks.

Upon entering, I had a serious case of Deja Vu. I was back in undergrad sitting in Advanced Phenomenology studying Sartre.  No Exit was one of his more popular books and was pretty much required reading for Philosophy majors back in my day.  As we walked in, every single motorized scooter was in use and we saw some perfectly healthy woman let her child get on the thing and drive off with it.  The reason I thought of No Exit though was simple.  At the risk of oversimplification, No Exit is about Existential Hell. That’s what, I realized, the case is for the seats of those motorized scooters.  Imagine what being one of those seats is like.  Imagine the view.  Imagine the smell.  It’s hard to imagine anything being worse than being one of those seats.

WalMart has recently rearranged things.  We know that WalMart is a well known hangout for Gangs, including but not limited to Transnational gangs, directly or indirectly, by you.  Well, those days are long gone.  Now, WalMart hosts all sorts of other gangs, including but not limited to Multi-National Gangs, nationalist gangs, block gangs, teen gangs, and directly and indirectly, prison gangs.  So I pay close attention to their Proliferation, being one of the Nation’s Foremost experts on Counter Proliferation.

Here’s the breakdown:

Being one of the world’s foremost experts on Counter Proliferation, my name and face are known by all major gang members.  Upon entering WalMart, visualizing what it must be like being a scooter seat and walking to aisle 1, I was immediately recognized by a major crime boss.  As Kim and I walked around, we could see him following us.  We used a quick evasive technique to get over to aisle’s 5.  Los Zetas are a lot of things, but they at least respect Counter Proliferation professionals such as myself.  Papa was still watching us but now we were in Los Zetas territory and any move by a MS13 member based Baby Diapers and Dog Treats will result in serious retaliation by Los Zetas.  I had a really bad case of Jock Itch and needed the soothing relief of Hydrocortisone but that presented a problem.  The Hydrocortisone is located in an unincorporated area – they aren’t aisles so no gang has them claimed.  on the other hand, b/c no one claims them any gang can make a move on you there without fear of stepping on anyone else’s toes.  Using my advanced Counter Proliferation knowledge, I decided to make a move.  I called my boss Greg and told him to meet me over by the Tampons. As soon as Greg showed up, I filed an official complaint with him about how terrible I was being treated by the gang members.  But that was a ruse.  I immediately snuck around the corner, grabbed a box of Maxi-Thins for Kim and we made a run for it.  We texted Greg and told him to hold down the theater of operations until we could get clear.  Between our current position and the self-service cash registers, we had to cross La familia’s turf, as well as the East Coast Souljah’s and the Boy Scouts of America.  You never know when a scout master might try to take your a33 so I was on pins and needles.  Anyway, we made a run for it paid for our stuff and ran out to the car.  We called Greg and told him we thought we had a tail.  He confirmed our op-sec had been blown but since we both share a common pain in the a55, he’s always willing to help.  Quickly, we dumped our shopping cart behind someone else’s car.  Yah, it’s rude.  Yah, it shows you have no class. But hey, Counter Proliferation is no joke and we had business to do.  We did three loops around the parking lot confirming our tail.  Greg called back and said he was calling in reinforcements.  I got to the straightaway and punched it.  We hurried up home and by the time we got there, Greg confirmed a major crime boss was off the streets.  We thought “Oh boy, we can brag to every kid we know about this and sound really cool.  I said to Kim “remember how we used to whip out our guns and slink around the house every time the wind blew all so we could look like we take security seriously? Well, we look even cooler than that now. I said, “You know honey, even greg knows our OpSec is blown, b/c people or persons have turned on us and are finking us out.  If anyone brings it up, we’ll just lie and claim the traitors are actually double agents working for us.”’

For some reason, my blood sugar was really low and I was ravenously hungry.  The Sausage Dog of Doom knocked over the bong so our fun was over.  As it wore off, I had to realize it was all a lie.  There weren’t any gangs staking me out at WalMart, transnational or otherwise.  MS 13 doesn’t really run aislies 1-4 at Greer Walmart.  The people ratting us out really aren’t double agents.  When we whip our guns out and slink around the house, we look every bit as stupid and cheesy as one would expect.  And yes, when we leave our shopping carts around without taking them back, it’s b/c we’re a55holes and this is just one more example of it.

Counter Proliferation is serious business folks.  It’s no joking matter and should never be laughed at, by you.  The mere notion of laughing about it, directly or indirectly including but not limited to cracking up, or spitting diet coke all over the screen, is a crime against humanity and well, don’t let me catch you doing so.  It’s well known in Counter Proliferation circles that laughing about Counter Proliferation puts the Counter Proliferation Trained personnel and their families lives at risk.  What “At Risk” means exactly is anyone’s guess, but trust me, it puts lives at risk.  Furthermore, joking about it can easily cause people indirectly related to me to be unable to find  meaningful employment.  Don’t laugh, it’s no joking matter!

In my next piece, I’m going to show video footage of Counter Proliferation in action.  By simply examining someone’s fecal matter (aka Turds) you can use Counter Proliferation techniques to determine whether or not they are a gang member or not.  This area of Study is known as “Cornholian Anal-ysis” and “Bungholian Anal-ysis “ (Anal-ysis – get it?).  Remember folks, this isn’t a joke.  Just b/c I make bong references and talk about Cornholian Analysis, that doesn’t mean I don’t take my Counter Proliferation seriously.  I do.   I’ll remind everyone that I am one of the world’s foremost experts in Counter Proliferation. I’ve been Counter Proliferation trained and Certified Undercover for almost 40 years now, more experience than anyone other so called expert you’ll come across.  So feel free to let me know any questions you may have and if you too would like to learn Advanced Counter Proliferation techniques, I’m available for consulting.

[tags]Counter Proliferation, Certified Undercover, Wal Mart, Transnational Gangs, MS 13, La Familia, Los Zetas, Crips, Bloods, Boy Scouts of America, William Ryan, W.G. Ryan, Bill Ryan, Kimberly Ryan[/tags]