Bill Ryan's Other Blog

I didn’t want to do it, but b/c of all the translation questions, I’m going to go ahead and give you the English version.  The version are slightly different though but not on anything substantial.  I started writing the whole Chupa-Cabron series back as early as 1995 after finding out about the Chupa Cabra on an X-Files episode. I was always kinda fascinated by it – mainly b/c the pictures are so funny looking.  Anyway, I hadn’t thought much about it for a few years until I heard about a Chupa siting on Coast To Coast AM last week.  I had the English version of the 1st story on a old usb drive sitting in the garage (it’s a whopping 40gb & really expensive when I bought it - that’s how old the thing is) which is what I’m providing below.  The subsequent chapters are 100% in Spanglish (BTW, If you don’t believe me about how inadequate most translation services are, look at the translation below and compare it to Google or Babelfish). Also, it’s not hard to see that there’s a lot of inside jokes here.  I’ll just cut to the chase on those  – If we were friends back in Miami/Grad school and you think the joke is about you/us – it is.  Otherwise, it isn’t.  And no, I’m not making fun of Mexicans here – I’m ridiculing a well-known Miami phenomenon wherein members of different Latin American countries condescend to each other and it just so happens, Mexicans catch the most of it.  Don’t blame me – I’m a gringo.

Without further ado…. I introduce The ChubaCabron!

Part 1 – Juan Carlos meets the MS13  Beaners
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Juan Carlos, the ChupaCabra got fed up with Hialeah and moved up to Greenville, SC to hang out with his long lost cumpe and biggest supporter, Bill.  For the 4th time since Bill moved away, Miami-Dade 5.0 arrested Juan Carlos and put his illegal looking a55 in gave him tickets to the  Krome Avenue Detention Center Ritz Carlton. Why, Juan Carlos thought, did Bill have to move away and ruin everything? Why couldn’t things be like they were back when Bill lived here?  “I used to spend many weekends at Bill’s crib, now the raaaaacist cops are stuffing me in the Krome Ritz and Dr. B doesn’t even work there any more to help a brotha out”, he thought. 

It’s very hard for a Chupacabra to be taken seriously by Gringos but Bill was above such biases. Not only that, he was one of the few people that actually enjoyed hanging out with ChupaCabras.  Unlike your standard run of the mill Chupa, Juan Carlos , had it really rough, even when in the company of other Chupacabras.  You see, the Chupacabra community is very traditional and having children out of wedlock is frowned upon.  Sadly, the children are often the ones treated the worst in such situations and that’s exactly what happened here with Juan Carlos.
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Bill’s ho esposa Genevive was a sweetheart but a little uncomfortable with Juan Carlos’ presence. Juan Carlos attributed it to her nationality – “damn Columbians can’t help but snobbin a Cuban playboy like yourz truly”.  They had 3 dogs in the house and she was scared that Juan Carlos would end up Chupa-ing one of the dogs, plus he was Cuban.  The dogs were terrified of him and even though he was a devout dog lover, it made no difference.  He spent all morning trying to convince the dogs he wasn’t going to hurt them.  “Chupa-CABRA!  CABRA!  CABRA.  I’m a ChupaCABRA – not a ChupaPERRO so you all need to chill out. Ok, Ok, what if I let y’all sh*t all over the rug and chew up a few pairs of Bill’s Bruno Magli’s.”  Juan Carlos thought “Bill’s my homeboy, but I gotta chill these dawgs out and dude has more Magli’s and Ferragamos than Imelda Marcos. Besides, Bill never stays mad for more than 20 minutes, so he’ll chill out“.  Juan Carlos went in Bill’s shoe closet and grabbed a few pairs of shoes. He tossed them to the dogs and said “Ok you guys, this sh*t is fine italian leather not no payless crap, so yall need to chill out, cut me some slack and be cool.”  He was going to throw the dogs some of Bill’s shoes for old times’ sake but decided against it.  And finally the dogs did exactly what he said.  Grateful, Juan Carlos headed off to Walmart to get the dogs some bones and some new leashes.  He hoped to find a store in Greenville that sold Bruno Magli loafers too…
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He always went to Walmartback in Hialeah and would stop at the Pollo Tropical on the way over.  He was searching high and low for one to no avail.  Standing outside of Walmart were some MS 13 members. This was peculiar b/c they used to hang out INSIDE WalMart.  He asked one of the clerks about it and the clerk said “Yah, they used to be in here but they got kicked out. Members of   La Familia moved in and took over there offices and everything.  Apparently La Familia found out how to use Leveraged Buyouts to their advantage and thanks to Junk Bonds, they were able to raise enough capital to buy the MS 13 office inside of WalMart.�
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As Juan Carlos walked by them, one of them said “Look, it’s the ChupaCabron.  Wuzzup ChupaCABRON!  Hey, Jose, Say ‘Bronca’ over and over”  Jose said it’ BRONCABRONCABRONCABRONCABRONCABRONCA” and they all started laughing.  Juan Carlos was really mad and as mentioned earlier, jokes about his legitimacy really pissed him off. As the gang members kept making Cabron jokes he said “You’ll pardon me for not laughing, I’m Cuban after all and I find Beaner Humor really lame.  You beaners really laugh at anything where us Cubans are much more sophsiticated.  “  The MS 13 member Jose said “You got a real wise mouth- you’re lucky La Familia Michoacana is running stuff now or you’d be dead”.  Juan Carlos  said “Yah, I bet, and I’m terrified.  I mean, a 5’1 BEANER that smells like a combination of feet and ass is scary. But what’s really scary is the same beaner wearing an old Michael Bolton T-Shirt with Grass Stains. What’s up with your Look? You look like that dude from the Rico Suave video, but dirtier.  Didn’t they have anything less, uhhh, Gay at the Salvation Army?  If I give you $5.00 in lottery tickets, will you say Riiiiiccccooo Suaaavvveeee for me like that Gerardo dude sang? By the way, I need my grass cut, can you stop by and cut it and have your mom clean my toilets.”  Jose said “you got a real smart mouth for a ChupaCabron.  A Cabron and a Commamierda all at once? Sucks to be you.” 

Juan Carlos  replied, “You know, that puta de mierda mom of yours wasn’t minding me being a CommaMierda while she was Chupa-ing my cojones last night.  Your standard issue puta sister didn’t mind either and your deluxe puta wife, she loved it.  I guess you beaners have such small Pinga’s that getting a Cuban Sausage put them over the edge.” Jose said “My mom’s a puta? At least I have a mom, how about that Cabron?”   Afterward he said “Well, Riiiccccooo, a Cabron isn’t someone without a mom, it’s someone without a dad, if you were born in a 1st world country, you’d know that.  Besdies, Don’t you beaners have anything better to do than follow people around the Walmart parking lot? And what’s up with your look? I should call the cops on you. Hey there’s on.  Hey, Mister, Officer, come here, there’s illegal Beaners hassling customers” 

The officer came over but sadly, there was a big surprise… The officer was a Pre-Op Transexual.  So no one could tell if it was a He becoming a She, or a She becoming a He.  She said “You called me Mister?  You got a really smart mouth on you boy”  The MS 13  members said “Yah, he sure does”. She said “You need to watch your mouth, unles you’re looking for trouble”.  Juan Carlos  said “How can I look at my mouth without a mirror, and no, I don’t know ANYONE named ‘Trouble’”  So she said “All of you , get out of here - La Familia runs this joint now – they have an office inside and they OWN this parking lot too. So you, the ChupaCabra and you guys, the Michael Bolton/Gerrardo wannabe, Beat it already ok?”
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Juan Carlos  asked “Wait a second, you’re a dude who’s 1/2 way to becomming a chick or the other way around and you’re busting my balls for getting it wrong?  I don’t need some Barney Fife looking cop telling me what to do”.  At that, the officer said “I’m not a barney fife type cop, I’m the real deal.  I just attended da Police Academy training, have you?  I thought so. And you think you’re hot sh*t because you live with that CommaMierda  Bill, well just because he has  a Top Secret clearance doesn’t mean he’s anything, just because he can sit around and look people up in the NCIC database, whoopdidooo, that’s gay, and not gay like me but gay gay. And true to form, his gay self gays around town in his stupid Faguar  Just because his wife is hotttt and has a real college degree, that doesn’t mean anything either. And just because he has written a bunch of stupid books, went to grad school - he must have been at home with all those thugs and criminals at Miami , earned every honor you can earn in his profession , it means nothing.  He’s a worm, worse, he’s a book worm, AND a Math Geek. He plays Beavis and Butthead’s virtual stupidity all day but calls World of Warcraft afficianados Loosers?  You tell Bill this, I got his Looser right here (pointing to his/her a55), if he was here now, I’d looser the hot steamy remnants of my bowels on his chest.  Let’s see how tough he sounds with a Cleveland Steamer under his chin!”

Juan Carlos thought “What’s a LOOSER?  There’s only one ‘o’ in loser isn’t there?  What a crazy bitch.  Someone didn’t get enough affection as a kid or something but this chick is crazy”.  He wanted to chill her out so he said “Listen, Bill is a great friend and the only person to believe in me since i got here, but I’m sure you have a much bigger Pinga then he does”.  At which point the officer beamed with pride.  She said “Really, cuz you live with him so you’d know. I always heard he was hung like a  horse”. Juan Carlos seeing the change in her demeanor said “Oh yah, much much bigger, he packs his pants with a sock so don’t worry about it.”  At that point, Officer TripleFea said”Well, let me at least give you a ride home buddy”. So Juan Carlos got in the car, she drove him home ,and everyone was happy – But Serious trouble loomed around the corner, trouble that neither Juan Carlos, his friend Bill or Bill’s wife Genevive could ever imagine.
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Stay tuned for Part 2 of this Saga – Interview with the Chupa Cabron

[tags] ChupaCabra, Chupa-Cabron, ChupaCabron, Wal-Mart, MS13, MS-13, La familia, Chingo Bling, Immigration Reform, Krome Avenue Detention Center, Bill Ryan, William Ryan  [/tags]

I was going through older posts for a meeting today and I re-read a few things I wrote a while back.  Some of them are Quite Funny.  Just for the record (I just have a feeling I probably need to reiterate this for the trillionth time), Spanish isn’t my first language. Moreover, I don’t speak”Spanish” as much as I speak “Cuban”. Yep, that’s a big difference. 

Spanish speakers will have no problem reading this but translating sites in general aren’t up to par.  Sticking ANY full page post in a translating engine probably will result in something that is very different from the original.  There’s a lost lost in translation and it’s just too hard for a translating engine to guess every single connotation of a word or phrase you’re using.  Throw in dialects you have a mess.  If you don’t believe me – just read through this. (There’s a few thousand more examples if that doesn’t convince you).

There’s a guy who frequents some of the Developer newsgroups who doesn’t speak English. So he writes in Dutch and translates using Google Translate or BabelFish. The result is NOT PRETTY.  And what’s worse, b/c he can’t read English either, he uses a translation engine to read posts. The result is more often than not, that he seriously misunderstands what’s being asked (and occasionally he takes offense to what he reads even though none was meant or written.  I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions about what I’m getting at from there)

[tags] ChupaCabra, Chupa-Cabron, ChupaCabron, Wal-Mart, MS13, MS-13, La familia, Chingo Bling, Immigration Reform, Krome Avenue Detention Center, Bill Ryan, William Ryan  [/tags]

Few things illustrate how low civilization has sunk as well as the Comments on popular YouTube videos.  Some are better than others but look up something like Eminem Beefs  or 50 Cent vs Ja Rule and the ensuing debates are something to behold. (It should go without saying that the content is NSFW – in fact it’ll be more like NSFL).  As a big fan of Em and Fiddy, I look for their stuff wherever I can find it. And while searching for mix tapes and the like, I get to read the feuds started in the comment threads and laugh my butt off.  Tell me to get a life, I’ll tell you to quit playa hatin.

But YouTube doesn’t have a monopoly.  Want a laugh, check out something controversial or risqué on Urban Dictionary.  Getting in a chuckle about my buddy Mr Bling (who can be found at the Sunoco Station near my house weekday mornings around 5:45AM) , I looked up his favorite subject. (By the way, even if you aren’t a fan of his, may I recommend Tamale Season, it’s a freaking Master Piece. And you know, Mr Bling does have his own YouTubeTV Station of which I’m a huge fan).

You have to read it for yourself to appreciate.  Enough for today though- I have to go pick up the wife and daughter and go car shopping.  W00t!