Bill Ryan's Other Blog

As a big fan of HotChicksWithDoucheBags , I noticed early on that when a given highlighted douchebag was wearing a shirt and it wasn’t Ed Hardy, you could bank on it being Aeropostale.  The cheap price coupled with obnoxiously loud print come together for a perfect storm of Visual Atrocity.

The fact your brand appears consistently on HotChicksWithDoucheBags speaks volumes (I would rant about Ed Hardy but it’s so ghastly that nothing more can really be said about it).  But if you remain unconvinced I give you Mini Daddy – Adriansito

If I was in management at Aeropostale, I’d spend every penny I had firing off takedown notices and using every other means available to make sure my brand wasn’t ever ever ever associated with this.  Props to Adriansito though, now instead of wanting to barf each time I see it, I burst out into laughter (Ed Hardy still invokes nausea).  Watch this if you can.  And for the non-Spanish speaking members of the audience, he’s not saying he wants another Burrito, no matter how much it sounds like it.

If someone actually had to balls to pull any of these off, they’d deserve even more props.

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ” Sharon ” instead of “Steve”.

As my loyal readers know, I am widely regarded as the World’s  foremost expert in Counter Proliferation (hence, my blog’s subtitle).  I’m not just someone that’s attended Counter Proliferation training (“where it was stressed to us, how we needed to carry at the minimum Top Secret clearance or higher”), I live and breath Counter Proliferation.  In fact, the new e-commerce site I’m about to launch, Privicy is all about Countering Proliferation, proliferation of insecure email communication, a true scourge affecting society.

So you may be asking, “what is Counter Proliferation?”  Well, it’s directly and indirectly, including but not limited to, Countering the Proliferation of stuff.  “What sort of stuff?” you ask.  Well, directly or indirectly, including but not limited to, any stuff provided it’s the type of stuff that Proliferates. (George Carlin goes into depth about the nature of Stuff and how we relate to it) As long as it Proliferates, I’m skilled in countering it.  Now some of you (like those pretending to have college credentials you didn’t really receive) may be wondering what Proliferation is. Dictionary.com defines is accordingly:

1.the growth or production of cells by multiplication of parts.

2.a rapid and often excessive spread or increase: nuclear proliferation.

Our humble home is a great example of a Mecca of proliferation.  Under my wife’s auspices, shoes, purses and clothes all proliferate.  My wife notes that under my watch, gadgets seem to proliferate.  But those are minor in comparison to what proliferate via the dogs (or Minor Canines for the pedantic readers in the audience).  Under their auspices, there is a mass proliferation of disemboweled dog togs and dog treats. And there’s an even more pronounced Proliferation of Doody, (logs, Mr Hankey’s or Poopie Nice Nices).

So the biggest direct or indirect Proliferation threat facing citizens of Duncan, SC  is that which includes but is not limited to, Poopie Nice Nice or Mr Hankeys. 

As an aficionado of Counter Proliferation it’s my job to ensure that Mr Hankey’s don’t proliferate too quickly. And if they do, it must happen outside of on the Puppy Paper.  My lovely wife and I launch a never ended Counter Proliferation initiative aimed at directly and indirectly combating things of this sort including but not limited to the aforementioned items.

I didn’t let the girl dogs out when I went running this morning. They in turn decided to show me some love in the form of Proliferation.  When I came home, there were several logs that had proliferated on the carpet.  This is hugely problematic for many reasons most of which should be obvious to you.  But mostly, how can I , as the world’s foremost expert in Counter Proliferation and Counter Proliferation Training have proliferation occurring rampantly, right in my living room, while I’m out jogging in the morning?

So I’ll introduce the first tool that any Counter Proliferation Expert will employ – Bungholian Analysis (get it?).  If you search for the term, you won’t find any mention of it – that’s how close we in the field keep it.  Basically, it’s a simple but powerful technique. First, you determine which dogs had access to the living room.  Mitzi, Check.  Hagan, Check. Nikki – nope, he’s still in bed with mommy. Ok, that narrows the scope.  Now, you have to pick up each log and give it a sniff.  Nothing too deep but you need to make sure it’s Poopie Nice Nice as opposed to something that looks like Poopie Nice Nice.  Ok, after taking a good whiff, I determine it’s definitely Poopie Nice Nice. That’s step 1 of Bungholian Analysis .  The next step it to measure it to the nearest millimeter. You need to be precise here.  Now, measure the diameter of it.  March 14 annually is Pi day so it should be fresh in your mind. While the log may not be a Perfect Circle, it’s close enough to analyze. Using the diameter, you compute it to the Circumference.  Next, you write down those measurements. It’s critical to write  them down – you can never have too many lists. Counter Proliferation trained experts such as myself make lists for everything – and I mean everything.  You can never make too many lists or have too many items. Never. Now, you need to entice the two Minor Canines to come over to measure their Bungholes. (And as every Counter Proliferation expert knows, if you have a Bunghole, you need TP.  TP for my bunghole is an absolute must!). Now, you simply measure the diameter and circumference of each Minor Canine’s bunghole, apply an Elasticity factor and you’ll have your culprit.

At this point, you’ll have identified the source of the Proliferation.  Now you just need to counter it.  It’s critical that you both identify the crime correctly and the culprit, if not, well, you’ll make a complete jackass out of discredit yourself which sadly, has been known to happen in certain Counter Proliferation circles but never in mine being the expert that I am.  Once this is done, you just need to counter it. 

One way would be to make sure you take the girl dogs for a walk before jogging.  Another would be to make sure there’s plenty of Minor Canine Paper (just like Beavis and Butthead needed lots of Chik-n-bits before “Butthead was choking on chicken, huh huh, Butthead is choking his chicken”).  The other would be to keep the dogs in the Bedroom with mommy, but encourage them to hop in the bed with her for good measure.  The last one has two downsides. First, it risks polluting one’s own bed, literally, sh*tting in your own back yard but worse, sh*tting in your bed.  The other is a broom swinging wife. Either are less than desirable.  Either way, once you’ve identified the source of the proliferation, the world is yours in terms of countering it.

That concludes today’s lesson on Counter Proliferation. Stay tuned for tomorrow, for your next daily lesson.  At this point, you too can claim you’re Counter Proliferation Trained and at the end of the 35 hour course (we’ll call it Counter Proliferation Professional (CPP)  for Smarties), you’ll be ready to pass your certification and you too can claim you enjoy the rewards of Counter Proliferation Training, and the people you encounter in his career.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me at InTheNameOfCounterProliferationExpert@williamgryan.com or , you can contact me in the Name Of Nuclear Non-Proliferation at NameOfNuclearNonProliferation@williamgryan.com

Addendum:  Counter Proliferation is a very serious area of study and should not be taken lightly. Once you’ve been trained in it, you can make all sorts of claims and demands, not to mention track down every dog that craps in your house.  Bungholian Analysis is one of the most important Counter Proliferation techniques and can even be used in Non-Proliferation as opposed to merely Counter Proliferation.  Nuclear Non-Proliferation has risen to be a top Priority of the Obama Administration and that’s largely b/c attempts at Counter Proliferation have failed so miserably. If only Hillary and Armitage would have asked me for help earlier on, we could have avoided this whole mess.

[tags]Counter Proliferation, Bungholian Analysis, CPP, Counter Proliferation Professional, Non-Proliferation, President Obama Non-Proliferation, Nuclear Non-Proliferation[/tags]

As always, if you take anything I write seriously, you have issues. This whole site and it’s posts are a joke, as in hahhaahhahhaha.  That means it’s not to be taken seriously.  That means it’s not to be taken seriously. This is a parody and not meant to resemble anyone or anything in real life. Any resemblance to something real or serious or someone real is purely coincidental. Also, remember, I own this site and no matter how much you think you’re entitled to be here because “It’s a Public Site”, you’re not. It’s my property, my bandwidth, my material, my content etc (at least in the legal sense that I own what’s here – I’m not the only writer so technically, I share ownership with some of the other writers, but you get the point) You are bound by my Terms of Use. Be careful not to violate them, directly or indirectly, including but not limited to my other rules.  If you violate the Terms of use by accident and wind up in trouble, don’t say you weren’t warned!  I even wrote it using the “See, I’m really smart after all, honest, really, I am, and I know what I’m talking about, honest, no, really, I’m being serious” method. So without further ado….

This post should not be taken seriously. If you do, please get some professional help as soon as possible.

Kim and I made a quick trip to the Greer WalMart yesterday.   It’s not WalMart per se but the people that frequent it.  Case in point – we pull up and it was fairly busy.  There were at least 20 loose shopping carts in our parking aisle alone.  (And it’s not b/c the WalMart employees don’t try to collect the carts).  There’s just a lot of low class people who are too self-important to return carts.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see such low class people there that they’ would make fun of people that returned their carts.  I’m sure a kid returning their carts might even get called “Cart Girl” by some of the trashier folks.

Upon entering, I had a serious case of Deja Vu. I was back in undergrad sitting in Advanced Phenomenology studying Sartre.  No Exit was one of his more popular books and was pretty much required reading for Philosophy majors back in my day.  As we walked in, every single motorized scooter was in use and we saw some perfectly healthy woman let her child get on the thing and drive off with it.  The reason I thought of No Exit though was simple.  At the risk of oversimplification, No Exit is about Existential Hell. That’s what, I realized, the case is for the seats of those motorized scooters.  Imagine what being one of those seats is like.  Imagine the view.  Imagine the smell.  It’s hard to imagine anything being worse than being one of those seats.

WalMart has recently rearranged things.  We know that WalMart is a well known hangout for Gangs, including but not limited to Transnational gangs, directly or indirectly, by you.  Well, those days are long gone.  Now, WalMart hosts all sorts of other gangs, including but not limited to Multi-National Gangs, nationalist gangs, block gangs, teen gangs, and directly and indirectly, prison gangs.  So I pay close attention to their Proliferation, being one of the Nation’s Foremost experts on Counter Proliferation.

Here’s the breakdown:

Being one of the world’s foremost experts on Counter Proliferation, my name and face are known by all major gang members.  Upon entering WalMart, visualizing what it must be like being a scooter seat and walking to aisle 1, I was immediately recognized by a major crime boss.  As Kim and I walked around, we could see him following us.  We used a quick evasive technique to get over to aisle’s 5.  Los Zetas are a lot of things, but they at least respect Counter Proliferation professionals such as myself.  Papa was still watching us but now we were in Los Zetas territory and any move by a MS13 member based Baby Diapers and Dog Treats will result in serious retaliation by Los Zetas.  I had a really bad case of Jock Itch and needed the soothing relief of Hydrocortisone but that presented a problem.  The Hydrocortisone is located in an unincorporated area – they aren’t aisles so no gang has them claimed.  on the other hand, b/c no one claims them any gang can make a move on you there without fear of stepping on anyone else’s toes.  Using my advanced Counter Proliferation knowledge, I decided to make a move.  I called my boss Greg and told him to meet me over by the Tampons. As soon as Greg showed up, I filed an official complaint with him about how terrible I was being treated by the gang members.  But that was a ruse.  I immediately snuck around the corner, grabbed a box of Maxi-Thins for Kim and we made a run for it.  We texted Greg and told him to hold down the theater of operations until we could get clear.  Between our current position and the self-service cash registers, we had to cross La familia’s turf, as well as the East Coast Souljah’s and the Boy Scouts of America.  You never know when a scout master might try to take your a33 so I was on pins and needles.  Anyway, we made a run for it paid for our stuff and ran out to the car.  We called Greg and told him we thought we had a tail.  He confirmed our op-sec had been blown but since we both share a common pain in the a55, he’s always willing to help.  Quickly, we dumped our shopping cart behind someone else’s car.  Yah, it’s rude.  Yah, it shows you have no class. But hey, Counter Proliferation is no joke and we had business to do.  We did three loops around the parking lot confirming our tail.  Greg called back and said he was calling in reinforcements.  I got to the straightaway and punched it.  We hurried up home and by the time we got there, Greg confirmed a major crime boss was off the streets.  We thought “Oh boy, we can brag to every kid we know about this and sound really cool.  I said to Kim “remember how we used to whip out our guns and slink around the house every time the wind blew all so we could look like we take security seriously? Well, we look even cooler than that now. I said, “You know honey, even greg knows our OpSec is blown, b/c people or persons have turned on us and are finking us out.  If anyone brings it up, we’ll just lie and claim the traitors are actually double agents working for us.”’

For some reason, my blood sugar was really low and I was ravenously hungry.  The Sausage Dog of Doom knocked over the bong so our fun was over.  As it wore off, I had to realize it was all a lie.  There weren’t any gangs staking me out at WalMart, transnational or otherwise.  MS 13 doesn’t really run aislies 1-4 at Greer Walmart.  The people ratting us out really aren’t double agents.  When we whip our guns out and slink around the house, we look every bit as stupid and cheesy as one would expect.  And yes, when we leave our shopping carts around without taking them back, it’s b/c we’re a55holes and this is just one more example of it.

Counter Proliferation is serious business folks.  It’s no joking matter and should never be laughed at, by you.  The mere notion of laughing about it, directly or indirectly including but not limited to cracking up, or spitting diet coke all over the screen, is a crime against humanity and well, don’t let me catch you doing so.  It’s well known in Counter Proliferation circles that laughing about Counter Proliferation puts the Counter Proliferation Trained personnel and their families lives at risk.  What “At Risk” means exactly is anyone’s guess, but trust me, it puts lives at risk.  Furthermore, joking about it can easily cause people indirectly related to me to be unable to find  meaningful employment.  Don’t laugh, it’s no joking matter!

In my next piece, I’m going to show video footage of Counter Proliferation in action.  By simply examining someone’s fecal matter (aka Turds) you can use Counter Proliferation techniques to determine whether or not they are a gang member or not.  This area of Study is known as “Cornholian Anal-ysis” and “Bungholian Anal-ysis “ (Anal-ysis – get it?).  Remember folks, this isn’t a joke.  Just b/c I make bong references and talk about Cornholian Analysis, that doesn’t mean I don’t take my Counter Proliferation seriously.  I do.   I’ll remind everyone that I am one of the world’s foremost experts in Counter Proliferation. I’ve been Counter Proliferation trained and Certified Undercover for almost 40 years now, more experience than anyone other so called expert you’ll come across.  So feel free to let me know any questions you may have and if you too would like to learn Advanced Counter Proliferation techniques, I’m available for consulting.

[tags]Counter Proliferation, Certified Undercover, Wal Mart, Transnational Gangs, MS 13, La Familia, Los Zetas, Crips, Bloods, Boy Scouts of America, William Ryan, W.G. Ryan, Bill Ryan, Kimberly Ryan[/tags]

I remember when I first read Why Business People Speak Like Idiots, A Bullfighter’s Guide.  Every word in the book is pure, authentic genius.  Every paragraph is so on point it hurts.  And the book completely eviscerates the way most people think they are supposed to speak in an office. One of the critical sections discusses Standard Generalized Presentations.  Of course these involve Powerpoint.  And they include every jargony phrase (think “Resource”) one can muster.  Powerpoint had only been out a year when I was in the middle of Grad School and I remember wanting to gouge my eyes out just so I would never have to sit through another Powerpoint presentation again.  Anyway, they have a whole guide to Fighting the Bull (Rumor has it if you run this on anything written by a PMP or by one’s spouse pretending to be them, the computer will burst into flames and Satan can be seen fleeing the computer).

Love it or hate it, think it’s appropriate or completely over the top, Carly Fiorina’s Demon Sheep ad is certainly not one of your Standard Generalized Presentations.  I don’t know much about her other than what I read in the Wall Street Journal back in the mid-90’s but after this ad, I love her.  Not sure what her politics are but anyone that can make a commercial like this would have to be a lot of fun.  Now, if I made the add, there’d be laser beams shooting from it’s eyes, and they’d fling poop. Actually, lasers would shoot out of their eyes while they threw poop at Transnational Gang members waiting in Aisle 4 of the Greer Walmart, but I digress.  Paul Cassell doesn’t seem to think much of it but I have to disagree.  Most political ads are way more nasty an nowhere near as honest.  They just do it in a sugary sweet way that makes you want to barf (b/c they pretend to take the high road while being totally low-road.). It’s about time people say what they mean.  Besides, I hate FCINOS as much as anyone.

Not to be outdone, one of Fiorina’s competitors didn’t like her stealing the show and came up with this web site as a response.  Oh Noes, someone mocked someone on the web, call the Police!!!!!  Oh Noes, someone told the truth about someone on the web, call them a  liar.  Oh Noes, hurry up and get an attorney to send a nonsensically moronic letter to Chuck Devore (and make sure the attorney spells his client’s name wrong for good measure) making claims with no legal basis.  Seriously though, anyone that actually Shopped an image like this deserves a vote. 

I’d point out however that it’s “All your sheep are belong to us” but when you have such great content, who wants to be a nitpicker. No I’ll return to creating my Demon Cuckoo Ad

[tags]Demon Sheep, S.F.T.E.O.D.S.F.O.P.D., FCINO, Fiscal Conservative In Name Only, Carly Fiorina, Chuck Devore, Tom Campbell, Society for the Eradication of Demon Sheep from our Political Discourse[/tags]

Instapundit started it but there’s a lot of material here.

Champs like Serena Williams trust IPad with LeakGuard® Protection to stop leaks better than the next leading brand.

There’s also the ultra small IPad without an applicator.

Considering how everything Apple becomes a defacto hipster status symbol, we can also speak to the Douchebaggery aspects of it as well.

So here we have a product that stops leaks better than the other brands, can be used with or without a bulky applicator and can be used clean up ‘down there’ leaving you feeling fresh and clean.  Apple’s really onto something here.

[tags]Apple IPad, IPad, Tablet PC[/tags]

Percentage wise I’m much more Czech than Irish so I can’t really say “I feel ya homie” but this is too rich to ignore.

Irish police arrested Stefan Gonda after Slovak officials informed them he had explosives. It took a few hours for the Slovaks to admit they had planted the explosives in Gonda’s luggage when he flew out of the country after a visit. They say it was part of a training exercise that went wrong. Gonda was then released.

Read the whole thing…

Message to the Peanut Gallery – If I can refrain from having a blast with this – you can too dammit. Why do I have this OVERWHELMING feeling that I’m going to regret opening up the comments…

"Edward is so romantic," said Pastor, referring to Edward Cullen, Twilight‘s vampire hero. "He loves [17-year-old protagonist] Bella so much that he runs away from her to protect her. My husband, on the other hand, hasn’t posed any kind of danger to me in years."

Read the rest here…

[tags]Twilight, The Onion[/tags]

Imagine someone directly and indirectly  sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon including but not limited to with their live-in person spouse and directly and indirectly  two kids. It’s a bright sunny day out and the direct and indirect sounds of birds chirping and dogs barking is in the air. Neighbors are mowing the lawn, others are jogging or walking.  Kids are riding their bikes. It’s an idyllic scene on a beautiful day  The wind blows a door shut in the other room.  Imagine both people hopping to their feet.  The kids stare directly and indirectly wondering why they just jumped up.  They both directly or indirectly grab firearms near by and one of them even chambers a round including but not limited to preparing the gun to fire. Nothing is said to the kids directly or indirectly but the mood gets very tense and very serious including but not limited to extreme quiet.  One adult follows the other directly and indirectly as they peep around corners, retreat then spring forward.  As the leader springs forward, the tail gunner ‘covers’ them including but not limited to turning around backward to eliminate the possibility of an ambush.  They directly and indirectly proceed to clear the house, room by room, by them. In the end, they directly and indirectly find that it was just the wind, no intruder, no nothing including but not limited to an actual person, demon, premonition, ghost, goblin, fairy, vampire or werewolf.

If Kim (who technically fits the definition of ‘live-in person’ )and I were to directly or indirectly do this while our daughter directly or indirectly played video games, including but not limited to the Xbox 360, it would be the height of irresponsibility.  But that’s b/c I’m not highly trained to do such things directly or indirectly, and neither is Kim directly or indirectly, by you. So if we anything including but not limited to  this, it would be seen for exactly what it is, paranoid insanity w/ a touch of wannabe machismo, by you.

A federal agent on the other hand, could directly or indirectly do the same thing and it would be perfectly acceptable, by them.  Federal Agents including but not limited to alphabet soup agencies after all, would never directly or indirectly pull out a gun directly or indirectly but if they did, there’d be absolutely no chance of an accidental shooting. Including but not limited to hurting someone accidentally. 

You can certainly imagine then directly and indirectly, my amazement, including but not limited to sheer cognitive dissonance and shock I experienced both directly and indirectly when I read the following:

A Waupaca woman finds herself in the middle of a major security investigation at Cleveland’s airport.

Kimmy Janke had gone through security. In fact, she was in a secure part of the terminal when she stopped to go to the bathroom before making her connecting flight.

That’s when she found a loaded handgun. . . . A Cleveland police report confirms a fully-loaded .40-caliber pistol was left on top of a toilet paper dispenser. [editor’s note, I wonder if it was a Sig or a Glock   ?]

“A little kid could have grabbed that. The wrong person could have grabbed that. You never know,” Janke said.

We’ve since learned the gun was traced to a federal customs agent. [editor’s note: I substituted ‘federal customs agent’ for the real agency name]

[Agency Name] officials have denied all requests to explain why a highly-trained agent left her gun in the bathroom, claiming there is an internal investigation.

How can this be?   This lady wasn’t the member of some Podunk Police Department including but not limited to Podunk Township Police Department or Bumfuk Egypt Police Department.  She was a highly-trained federal agent and her training included but wasn’t limited to advanced firearms training. Membership of a Podunk Police Department was not directly or indirectly achieved, by her. Federal agents don’t directly or indirectly make mistakes and are never ever ever involved in any firearm accidents (including but not limited to ones that cause death or bodily harm), by them. Never!

Clearly this Kimmy Janke lady suffers from the ignorance, including but not limited to the same cluelessness that I did.  No one directly or indirectly explained to her that gun safety is irrelevant when federal agents are involved, including but not limited to members of the DEA, CIA, FBI, OHS, SSI, Elite Republican Guard or the Elite Iranian Revolutionary Guard. All serious risks, including but not limited to life threatening ones,  immediately disappear when an agent directly or indirectly appears. 

Is  taking a dump in a public stall including but not limited to a urinal, directly and indirectly really that hard? ‘Hard’ for the purposes of discussion means everything including but not limited to, extreme constipation  I directly and indirectly consider myself one of the foremost experts on taking a dump, including but not limited to pinching one out, squeezing out a turtlehead, busting a33, letting one go etc and although I try to avoid public stalls, I’ve managed to pinch one off directly or indirectly in public stalls before including but not limited to airport stalls. In fact, most of my experience ‘in the field’ includes but is not limited to airport stalls.  I’ve seen many gross,  stalls including but not limited to ones with semen on the commode seats, urine on the tank and bowl, graffiti on the stall area and homosexual hookup details, but never had any drama.  I never had directly or indirectly experienced any strangeness, including but not limited to glory holes (well, one I was pretty sure was a glory hole but it looked like it had been decommissioned), wide stances, loaded guns sitting around, nothing.  Why do govt employees directly or indirectly have so much trouble in places including but not limited to  airport crappers?  How’s a gun directly or indirectly different from other devices including but not limited to a Kindle, Laptop or Cell phone ,with respect to stowing it while you do the deed?   What I mean is, the time should not be directly or indirectly put on the floor, by you.  That’s because it’s both directly and indirectly repugnant.  The item should not be directly or indirectly left outside of the stall by, because you don’t want anything bad happening to it, including but not limited to having it stolen.  So a stall is hit, pants and dropped and a dump commences, by you, directly or indirectly, including but not limited to a floater, a one wiper or a blaster  When you’re done, you wipe (I wipe directly and indirectly), put the item under your arm or on the commode tank, zip up, grab your stuff and leave.  It’s really easy.  I know the govt really likes directly and indirectly incompetent people who can only stay employed b/c of ridiculously protective rules, including but not limited to ones rivaling collective bargaining agreements but taking a dump just isn’t that hard (and if it is, you need more fiber in your diet.  And if you eat enough fiber on Christmas Eve, Mr Hankey might even come visit you, directly or indirectly, by him.)

Who knows, all things considered, maybe she’ll sneak off for a few days with Hott Rod directly or indirectly the worlds sexiest boss (“sacrificing my time with [spouse] and [child]”), hoping his live-in person doesn’t get wise to them and hoping her husband live-in person doesn’t overhear any conversations she has with Rod, because that might necessitate “police was called”. This would directly and indirectly include having sexual relations with, buying calling cards for and paying for rooms for, directly both parties, even though one party makes more than the other directly or indirectly.

[The hypothetical situation I propose above is purely hypothetical. Any resemblances, affairs with Rod, live-in persons, spouses overhearing calls, police was called etc are purely coincidental, by you.. All other brands and names are directly and indirectly property of their respective owners, by you.  If an erection lasts for more than 4 hours, consult your physician immediately. I disclaim all liability, including liability for infringement of any proprietary rights, relating to use of information in this specification. I do not warrant or represent that such use will not infringe such rights. In fact, that’s a very strong possibility. Materials are copyrighted and are protected by worldwide copyright laws and treaty provisions. They may not be copied, reproduced, modified, published, uploaded, posted, transmitted, or distributed in any way, without my prior written permission, by you. 

My loyal readers may be wondering, directly or indirectly, why I”m writing like this including but not limited to the repeated use of “by you”, “directly or indirectly” or “including but not limited to.”  I directly and indirectly have very little expertise in legal writing so items written, by me, on items including but not limited to legal issues, will employ this format.  As such, features were created, directly or indirectly, by me, to take a text block and legalize it.  This way, items can be written, directly or indirectly, by me using my normal style of writing, yet I can appear to be adroit in items including but not limited to legal writing.  The latest drop of the Bot directly and indirectly includes but is not limited to several methods to legalize writing as well as disemvowel writing, by you.  The method name is not Legalize b/c Legalize has direct and indirect meanings unrelated to what the methods actually do but even a casual reader of this blog should be able to directly or indirectly determine the information, including but not limited to the method names

Hat Tip: Instapundit

[tags] Kimmy Janke, Waupaca Woman Finds Gun in Airport Bathroom  [/tags]

Earlier today, I tweeted incredulously as to how my boy dog is sooo utterly dumb while my two girl dogs are so smart, they’d probably spend their spare time doing matrix algebra if they had opposing thumbs.  I was afraid this phenomenon had larger implications…

I love Nikki aka ‘The Sausage Dog of Doom’ but man, he’s dumb.  In fact, he saw this and said “Sounds good to me”

[tags]Advice Dog, 4Chan [/tags]

This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while.  “No Stems, No Seeds..”  Gotta love Snoop, and Snoop loves his Stickey Ickey.

[tags]snoop dogg, martha stewart[/tags]

Now if it was MY pet Mono, he’d be Whistling AND Throwing Poop, but that’s why Kim consistently vetoes the procurement of a mono.  All I know is as I walked outside, the mono was chiflando-ing up a storm (don’t bother trying to Google Translate of Babelfish it – chiflando-ing is reverse spanglish – it’s an attempt for me to Gringo-ize a Spanish word).  {Let’s just hope none of the not-so-cunninglinquists botch this translation as cluelessly as they did my other Spanish posts }

This post and all others on this site are subject to the current Copyright as well as the Sites Terms of Use. Any reproduction, duplication or publication without express written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.

[tags]Babelfish, Google Translate, Mono, Spanglish, Poop Throwing Monkey[/tags]

YouTube sensation RecklessTortuga has a new spoof video titled The Online Gamer. If you enjoy lauging at gamers or are a gamer who can laugh at him|her|self, you’ll enjoy this. Yeah, the main character maps quite well to the stereotype but stereotypes sometimes become widespread b/c there’s some element of truth to them. I’m sure there are plenty of unemployed overweight slackers who live at home and play games all day in mom’s basement, but this is probably a much more accurate portrayal. Be forewarned however, the language is definitely NSFW. And in typical RecklessTortuga form the acting is very convincing. I’m thinking though, even hipster/peacenik types would probably have hopped over the table and killed him. Any girlfriend I’ve had would probably have thrown the video game system out of the window or attempted a more invasive means of disposing of it.

While you’re at it, check out a few other skits that are as hysterical as they are accurate:

• PSA “New Yorkers” (Ouch)
• Twilight Fan **New Moon Trailer** (Now we see where Perez Hilton learned to make YouTube vids)
• New Moon Screening
• The entire Psycho Girlfriend series: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3,  Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.   
• Crazy College Roommate (Keep an ear out for the Adkins Diet reference)
• Online Dating (like she’d actually need to hit the internet to find a date?)
• Russian Mail Order Brides , Episode 3, Episode 4 (“They call this little guy, Fluffer“, “She gets how you call it, Pearl Necklace“, “I get rich, I get Money Shot“),
• Asian Characters on Non-Asian people (“They might even call you a douchebag”.  Yep.  It’s amazing how every Tattoo w/ Asian characters means “Wealth”, “Prosperity” or “Sex”)

If you like the YouTube vids, you can check out the rest of their stuff here.

[tags]Reckless Tortuga, RecklessTortuga, Online Dating, Psycho Girlfriend, Twilight, New Moon, YouTube[/tags]

Can you blame them?

Paid escorts everywhere are especially aggrieved by the hooker title being conferred upon thoroughly contemptible politicians; including Mary Landrieu and Ben Nelson.  Nebraska Democrat Nelson, who was elected on a pro life platform, sold millions of unborn babies in exchange for extravagant tax payer funded perks for his soon to be former home state.

[tags]Hookers, Prostitutes, Politicians[/tags]

Many pundits today are quick to lament how crass society has become. They claim no one has any manners or civility any more.  They bemoan how tacky and in your face many facets of modern day life are.  I frequently hear complaints about how this generation has no respect, no dignity etc.

They’ll cite things like girls wearing shirts that say “I swallow” (yaknow, they might have a point on that one), “GoldDigger”, “Porn Star” etc as examples. They’ll site vehicle stickers like Calvin peeing on a Chevy/Ford Symbol, or the Screamin Semen.  And of course bumper stickers make the list.  I hate bumper stickers, but not b/c I think they are some reflection on society. I hate them b/c they are often annoying, and that people that have many of them are usually both rude and bad drivers. Even the protest stickers like the Darwin Fish, or “My Kid beat up your honor student” etc are pretty obnoxious. If I was forced to have a bumper sticker on my car it would say “Bumper Stickers are not the answer” – but the clever irony would qualify me as a douchebag.  To this end, I think the lamenters are way off.  We didn’t have Screamin Semens when I was a kid. And Calvin and Hobbes was still pretty new to the world.  But I vividly remember asking mom about a few that come to mind (my poor mother deserves sainthood for suffering through my childhood):

• Save a Mouse , Eat P*****
• Born in a mountain, raised in a cave, f***** and trucking is all that I crave
• Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.
• If this van’s a rockin, don’t come a knockin
• And finally “I’d rather see my sister in a whorehouse than my brother riding a Jap bike” (this had many forms, “Mother/Father”, “Son/Daugher” but all conveyed the same point

I always thought that being that partisan about stuff like cars, motorcycles, sports teams etc was really weird.  In the case of the last bumper sticker though – as a skinny frail little 6 yr old, I wasn’t about to voice my opinion to some big scary biker that would probably have sold me into white slavery without thinking twice about it.  35 years later, I still remember the first time I saw each of these, I remember the vehicles, the color  and the look of horror on my mom’s face as I asked her about them.

Today though, I caught myself second guessing my childhood assessment.  Perhaps there are some things so ghastly, that shame would trump all else.  For I would much rather see my mother in a whorehouse than my father ‘reppin’ like homeboy below.  I would much rather see my sister turning tricks than my brother wearing such a hat and making such hand gestures.  I could go on, but you get the idea.  And I fathom, what would be worse, having this guy as your son, or seeing him dating your daughter?  Either thought is too traumatic for me to process. I’d ask you to look at homeboy below and answer that last question:

One the one hand, I respect his taste in women.  And I can respect doing whatever it takes to land the babe. But at some point, the loss of dignity has to offset the gain of having such a hott as your significant other.

Buckie won the 2009 Douchiest Hat Tilt Award, and one thing is for sure, no one can say he didn’t deserve it. If you don’t frequent Hot Chicks With Douchebags, I’d highly recommend that you do. Jay, aka DB1 does the world such a valuable service by helping to end this scourge that everyone should do their part to support him.  Now You’ll forgive me if I go wash my mind out with bleach – I’m having flashbacks of the original though of Bucky as my son and it’s killing me.

[tags] Hot Chicks with douchebags, If this van’s a rockin [/tags]

Earlier today, I lamented the fact that keyboards are such collectors of all things undesirable.  Someone had to use my computer for a few minutes and they had the sniffles pretty bad.  They weren’t using a handkerchief and frequently rubbing their nose/eyes with their hands.  In spite of the gallons of hand sanitizer on my desk, they had their mind on bigger things.

When they were done, I wanted to make sure I killed all the germs (not saying this person is nasty or anything – they were just sick and I didn’t want to get sick myself).  After I wiped my keyboard with disinfectant, I turned it over and figured I’d knock out the dust.  All sorts of dust and what looked like sand came out of it.  WTF I thought – I’ve been pretty hard core about keeping it clean.  As I thought about it, I realized that I’ve never turned the keyboard upside down and NOT had a bunch of dust, paper, hair etc come out of it. As I thought about it, I remembered time after time of seeing other people do the same thing and no matter how hard they worked to keep the keyboard clean – it didn’t end up so good.  I posted a few snarky quips on Facebook and Twitter  about keyboards and I guess I’m late to the party b/c keyboard grossness is widely known.

My homie and former Magenicon Kevin Kriner sent me a link he thought I’d appreciate. And I did.  I’d note however, that a few things really disturbed me. (Continue reading at your own peril.  I would much rather be blissfully ignorant on this issue b/c now, I’ll never be able to get this stuff out of my mind).  “An Example Bill, now!” you say?

It’s often advisable to clean the keyboard every week, as sometimes a keyboard may have more germs than a toilet seat [Emphasis Added]. Now the average geek isn’t really that keen on keeping his surrounding up to date, but if this next device from Vioguard will surely be of his liking then there may be little less to worry about. Vioguard is marketing its new line of self cleaning keyboards, targeted at hospitals and other super clean environments. The keyboard sanitizes itself by sliding into its UV bed when not in use and slides out at the wave of a hand for contactless operation.

All along, I’ve been using Simple Green (the best cleaning substance on Earth rivaled only by Purple Power) on a cloth which is rolled up to form a cylinder.  First I blow it out using compressed air, then spray the rolled up cloth and roll it over the keyboard.  Occasionally, if I’m feeling particularly obsessive compulsive, I’ll use a Q-Tip.  The Q-Tip approach seems way too much like something I did when pledging my old fraternity though so I try to avoid it.

I followed some links to “Problem Keyboards”.  To some extent, I wanted to see how bad the average keyboard was. Worst case I clean my keyboards once a month, but I wanted to know that there isn’t someone out there who has one that never needs cleaning.  Instead, I found this:

I bet this guy lands a lot of chicks 

Ok, this is a little better but I sense booger or booger like particulate matter

What must this smell like?

Ok, this is more like it.  Dust isn’t clean but it’s not completely disgusting (see above, and above that, and next to that)

The UV aspect however is really slick.  I bought a UV Toothbrush cleaner years ago and really liked it. (Toothbrushes are probably the thing that sets my OCD off the worst and I’m sure I’m not alone there).  Prior to that I just replaced my brush every month. When I moved to an overly complex electric toothbrush, that got a bit expensive but I still did it.  Then I found the UV cleaner but was very skeptical about it’s efficacy.  After looking at a bunch of background info though – I was convinced that it did the trick quite well.  I was so pleased that I bought a battery powered portable one so I could bring it with me when I travel. Then one day when I was shopping, I came across a generic UV cleaning wand.  It seemed a little pricey and I was unsure about it b/c I thought I’d have to manually hold the thing over the target area for a few minutes.  That turned out to be an incorrect assumption.  So after looking it up online, I bought one.  Then I bought another one b/c I didn’t want to get caught at the office without one and damn sure didn’t want to get caught without one while travelling (I generally assumed that staying in higher end places meant you didn’t have to worry about corner cutting when it came to cleaning. A local Atlanta TV station proved that wasn’t the case).

While I was really happy knowing I had these, a friend pointed out that I exhibited a similar pattern with Neat Receipts and it dawned on me that I am very prone to going overboard with such things. Outside of the cost, the warehouse of gadgets I travel with is nothing short of ridiculous.  After some self-reflection, I thought it best if I just stopped feeding my UV obsession.  I decided to admit my life had become unmanageable as a result of my germ-phobia so I started with “Hello, I’m bill and I’m a UV Cleaner-aholic”  While I may sound flippant, there’s some degree of seriousness here. B/c being a germ freak can be potentially pernicious.  There’s no stopping point and you can always find something to get grossed out about if you set your mind to it.  So little by little you give yourself more things to worry about and wake up one day realizing how ridiculous things have gotten.  The reality of life is that the world is full of gross stuff and that’s never going to change.

All of this silliness was running through my mind today – so I did what I always do when something is nagging at me – I try to joke about it and laugh about it. So I immediately drove home to grab address my keyboard problem. I had a few extra ones that were unopened. I also had several cans of compressed air, a few bottles of Simple Green/ Purple Power and plenty of cleaning cloths.  I also figured this would be as good a time as ever to use the Wand on it. (My dedicated “Work” wand hasn’t been used in a while and is packed up in the garage).  It dawned on me however that none of my proposed ideas would be feasible until after work. I’ve seen people get really mad if they see you using hand sanitizer after shaking hands with them.  I’ve seen people get similarly mad if you wipe off your mouse with sanitizer after they’ve used it.  My office is in a pretty high profile area and there’s no way to do anything in it on the down low.  So rolling in with a few bottles of highly conspicuous cleaner would attract a lot of attention.  But whipping out a UV Cleaning wand and going over it – that would probably bother just about anyone (“He thinks I’m so disgusting that he drove home and brought back some Star Trek looking sanitization device, WTF?”).

Anyway, I figured I’d take the diplomatic road and just type on my laptop’s keyboard for the rest of the day.  I brought the keyboard home with me and did the whole air/cleaner/UV thing so it’s primed and ready to go. All was good and I withstood the urge to go nuts with a Q-Tip and disinfectant.  Then Kevin had to ruin it all by posting me a link to a self-cleaning UV keyboard .  Kim sweetie, I can haz?

[tags]I can haz, UV Wand, Oral B Triumph Electric Toothbrush, Gross Keyboard, Keyboard Cleaning[/tags]

Because if this doesn’t warrant prosecution for crimes against humanity, nothing does.  I could have soooo much fun with this, but I won’t. I’ll be good, and I’ll finish my math homework and go to bed.  The little devil cuckoo sitting on my shoulder keeps egging me on but I’ll ignore him.

[tags]B4-4, Douchebags, HotChicksWithDouchebags.com[/tags]

My wife never tires of putting a smile on my face.  Indeed, I often start to feel guilty for being married to such a wonderful woman – but hey, God hooked me up and who am I to argue with the big guy.  She sent me the following link today in an email with the text “this is soooo our house”

It also spreads doom all over the carpet for thee. And hogs the bed for thee (how one small sausage dog and occupy so much room on a king sized bed still amazes me).  And lifts his leg to pee (my rhymin skillz are off the chain, no?)

[tags] humane society of America [/tags]

I was checking out my new blog stats.  Strange stuff indeed.  Why, just look at a few of the search terms people used to get here:

Who are these people?  Is Bill Ryan for Real?  Yah baby, 100% real.  All da way real.  Bill Ryan got it wrong?  Pulleeez, we all know better than that. Bill Ryan 21 November 09?  Every freaking day I see these .  Here’s a hint geniuses (or is it GeneI?), www.bing.com + “RSS Reader”.  Search engines are your friend

Here’s a few more

Bill Ryan MVP?  Yep, 7 years and running.  Bill Ryan Nov 27?  Getting ahead of yourselves a little aren’t you? flavor00 – Ask K Smith to check his email - it’ll all make sense.  “J J Luna” + Business?  Yep, JJ is da man and everyone should buy his books and read his site.  “Bill Ryan” – You know, only friends get to call me Bill.  It’s W.G. to everyone else -

The rest of my logs say “Bill, some butthurt attorney is going to sue you” b/c man, I just posted the So Sue me Jackass post and it’s already in the 3 digits of reads.  I recognized many of the IP Addresses and a few are web crawlers, but there’s a bunch of new traffic.  $10.00 says I hear something about it by the end of the day along the lines of “To WebMaster WilliamGryan.com  Please be advised blah blah blah, you have 24 hours to remove the post and provide verification that said post was removed blah blah blah or else we’ll sue you, your momma, your poppa, and that zoophiliac Rabbit loving sausage dog of yours.  Well, I decided to be helpful.

If you’re upset  please send correspondence to postblogbyemail@williamgryan.com  .  This will save you some time and more importantly, it’ll save me some time

Apparently Google has recently indexed some of my Phil Hendrie Show posts and I”m getting a lot of traffic on them.  Phil has a lot of content available on  his website, and I don’t want to do anything that would stop you from buying a Backstage pass. In fact, the best way to convince me to let you access my archive is to send me copy of your backstage pass receipt (with any information you consider private redacted).  With that said, a lot of the stuff I’ve gotten isn’t available for sale anywhere so I’m not cutting into his sales by making it available.

If you have a backstage pass, you’ll notice that several years are only available in streaming format.  That sucks.  So, I wrote a program to go out, grab the streams and make a big mp3 out of them.   For each year that there’s only streaming content in the Phil Hendrie Show archive – I can help you one of two ways.

Way 1 is to give you access to an archive I have.  However there’s years of content here.  Each show is roughly 50 MB although some are larger.  There’s 3 years worth of content here so as you can imagine, Way 1 might not be of tremendous help to you (and yes, my generosity only goes so far – i’m not really willing to dump a few terabytes of content up on a site to give away for free while paying megabucks in bandwidth charges).  I’m also willing to burn some DVD’s for you.  But since I”m not in the DVD business – I can only do so many. If you have any vintage stuff of his that I don’t have, I’d definitely be glad to trade. And I’m willing to hand out freebies up until the point it gets too expensive or takes up too much time. I’m good like that.

Way 2 is to give you the program I wrote. You’ll need a current backstage pass to use it.  But it’ll go out and crawl his site.  From there it’ll take the streams and make shows out of them.  I made this for myself so I don’t have a lot of documentation on it – but it’s extremely easy to use (Select a Date, Select a clip or “Entire Show”, select an output file location, hit “Create”)

In addition, I’ve been getting more and more stuff from the Miami days.  If you’ve never heard him back then, you really want to hear this stuff. The show was much more Raw back then and much more funny/rude.  This was way before Janet’s wardrobe malfunction brought hellfire from the FCC so yah, it was a much different show.  Most of the stuff i have is 94-96 although I have bits of pieces of earlier stuff.  And I’ve got several vintage bits like:

• Bobby Dooley – Cat Sex, Merry Gone With the Wind Kwanzaa, Bobby Visits Dachau
• Mavis Leonard – All you can eat Negro
• Pastor William Rennick – Christmas Pageant, You Islam, Werewolves
• Chris Norton – Chandra Levy, Teach your man to dance, Banging the boss’ wife, Purple Vein Productions
• Dave Oliva/Brass Vulenueva – Credit cards, clean your plate, I’m gonna be LAPD, Mamba #5, Blue El Camino

Make sure you’re following Phil on twitter if you aren’t already.  And you may want to follow me too as I frequently tweet about stuff I’m giving away.

[tags]Bobby Dooley, Phil Hendrie, Phil Hendrie Show, Mavis Leonard, Pastor William Rennick, Chris Norton, Dave Oliva, Neil Rogers, All you can eat Negro, You Islam, Merry Gone with the Wind Kwanzaa[/tags]